Barney wasn’t a man for sleeping. Neigh, in his long life of 64 years he had not slept once in the night. This was his most favoured saying, his mantra and even his chat up line when he was a young man in Yorkshire.  He had often wondered why this was so, but then he remembered that it wasn’t actually true. For you see, this northern gentleman was a compulsive liar.  However, what is true is that in the autumn of this lovely year, Barney took a night job as a security guard in a place not so far away from my home, and I have decided that I must tell you some of his many adventures of the night.
These began with Barney, his full name being Albert O’Neill, taking this job in the great College as a night man. “Aye, when I was a lorry driver in me youth I oft’ had to work through t’day; working at night will be easy.” Is what he said to the King of the College, fully knowing that he did not even have a driving license. But alas, this did not matter. Barney’s charming manner and his chilling tales of cow fighting always made him friends and so he was given the job, a blue uniform and even a guard dog which he lovingly named ‘Hitler’.
So when darkness fell over the College on the first night of autumn, Barney emerged from the surrounding undergrowth, dressed like a French policeman. This had been a concession to him as he didn’t think that the uniform he had been given was smart enough for ceremonial occasions; despite being told that there were no ceremonial occasions. Nonetheless, Barney felt more comfortable like this and so marched on in his peculiar fashion around and around the college.
The first nights of his ‘campaign’ were much like this. They were mainly uneventful and Barney occupied his vivid mind by counting the time between Hitler’s toilet stops. However, all changed on the eleventh night when Barney noticed that there were footprints on the fields, which belonged to neither him nor the dog. He knew this because his foot steps were like that of a mad man, inconsistent and dragging, and Hitler’s were smaller and dog-like, obviously. So, Barney decided to follow these strange prints, and he let the dog off the lead to enhance the drama if the situation. By this time, the fields were in utter darkness for the lack of a moon so Barney pulled out his miner’s helmet and turned the torch at the top on. He saw more romance in carrying a helmet with a torch attached rather than just a simple torch.
After a short while, Barney who was now alone saw some movement at the back of the college, near the infamous Red Steps. His heart leapt because according to his CV, ‘it was this moment that his whole life had been waiting for’. He dropped to the muddy ground and began to drag himself towards the steps where he was certain that something was happening. Unfortunately for Barney, there was a light on the wall of the college nearby where he was aiming to go, so his crawling on the ground was quite useless. In fact, the people who had created the motion which attracted Barney were now fully aware of his presence. Far from being surprised by this entrance, they were quite confused by this muddy French policeman who was carrying a miner’s helmet.
Barney soon realised this so he stood up and walked the final ten yards. From this distance he could see that the ‘invaders’ were just three young lads with a bottle of cider between them.
“Am disappointed in you bairns you know.” confided Barney.
“Erm, what are you mate?” asked the gentleman holding the bottle of woodpecker.
“Am Chief Police Officer Barney of this ‘ere land, and you are trespassing!” replied a confident Barney. He pointed at his hat.
“Right you are mate, why does your name tag say Albert then?”
“Don’t answer me back lad or I’ll ‘ave Hitler on yer.”
“You’ll have Hitler on us?” sniggered the smallest.
“Aye and she takes no prisoners,” stated Barney to raucous laughter, “And what are yer laughing at?”
“You mate,” said the first one again while laughing loudly.
“Alreet then lads, I’ll get Hitler,” Barney whistled,”Hi-t-leeer! Now you lads better scarper before she gets here.”
“Nah, I think we’ll stay to see this.”
“Have it your way then.”
And so Barney stood there until dawn with the three young gentlemen, waiting for his dog to return, but lo she never did. But that did not worry Barney, in the meantime he told his captives the stories of his life, some true though most false.
And thus is the story of Barney.